Monday, December 14, 2009
What do you do if someone has lost the will to live but is nowhere near dying? In a nutshell that describes my dad. I rarely post about him because I don't have much to say about him. One of the reasons I wanted to move closer to home was so he and I could establish some sort of a relationship. Growing up, I didn't have the greatest relationship with him. We were always at odds. I used to wonder what my life would've been like if say my godparents had raised me or if I had grown up someplace else, other than here. There were even times when I used to wonder what if I didn't exist at all. Maybe it was this relationship that made me want to 'escape' from here and create a new, different life someplace else. Funny I should say that because this same relationship is what has brought me back here too. In any case, my dad said to me the other day that he was ready to die. He has no reason left to live. I told him not to say such things. That we didn't want him to die. I mentioned a few things he'd miss out if he were to die and he didn't care. How does a person become this way? Today, I was reminded of the father from my past-the one that only has negative things to say. The one that I wanted to escape. Why do negative comments cut so deeply? Sometimes they're even stronger than positive ones. And as I proceeded to wrap some of the Christmas gifts I have already purchased, I wondered how did someone so positive-minded (that would be me!) come from a person so negative? I tried not to let his negative comment penetrate through my skin but my skin isn't as thick as it once was. I phoned my sister, shared with her the brilliance that came out of dear ol' dad's mouth and she reminded me that that was why she no longer called him on a regular basis. He only had negative things to say. My sister is a fellow escapee--though I don't foresee her returning (long-term) anytime soon. We were trying to figure out how to help our dad but you can't help someone who doesn't want help. So all we can do is wait idly by.